So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm just crazy horny about you
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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