When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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