Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
