I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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