i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
