remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You pole danced in your parka.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
