So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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