you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
