Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
