Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
