How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
