If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
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Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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