Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
