that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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