Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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