She announced her abortion via fbk
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
