I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
