I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
