My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
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I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
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All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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