You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
