I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
