Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
