im about as happy as oj after his trial
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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