I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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