the condom got lost in my hair
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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