i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
