If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
And then he peed in my hair
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