Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
