LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
