He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
