So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
