I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
