I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
