I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
