Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
