My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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