So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
