I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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