I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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