I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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