I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
