For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
