the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
