Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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