I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Randomize