Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
