I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
