Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
