he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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