just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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