Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
