I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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