I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
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Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
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Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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