i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
