Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just found puke in my bra..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
